Technical adjusting info - Just in case others are going through this and are looking around to see if anyone else is to...
Readjusting to summer ending and school starting was just a bit too much for our little one. I felt like her behavior had gone back to December, her PTSD symptons came back, she unpotty trained herself, and was just pushing all buttons. Many days I just felt so sad that she could be this scared. Finally, with someones recommendation I took her to see a psychiatrist. We worked through some strategies to try and before leaving the doctor said she wanted us to think about medicine for anxiety. She explained that how it worked and why we should think about it. She also said she would understand if it wasn't something we wanted to do now, or ever, but we should research it. I did research it and read a recent NYT article on how overprescribed these medications were for young ones. This lady came highly recomended and deals mainly with young kids and specializes in adoption so I wasn't worried about her experience. After getting all worried about this article, I realized that my child hadn't been through "normal" situations, really did have PTSD, and withholding medication from her that would help her be less scared just wasn't my intention. She seemed to have progressed so far, she had been coming out of her shell and the anxiety just seemed to be keeping her from enjoying herself.
So we did it. She has been on a very low dose for several weeks and we still see anxiety symptoms, but in most cases she is able to control it or work through it vs. escalating as she had done before. We now experience what I consider to be "normal" 3-4yo tempertantrums and testing. She is still very anxious in groups, and her first soccer practice was stressful, but we feel like we made the right decision. We'll only know after 3-4 months really, but right now our daughter seems to be able to enjoy what goes on around her more.
Today however, was another one of those moments where my daughter had several panic attacks, I was in tears feeling horrible that she was experiencing this, and parents with no knowledge of the situation were looking on judging away... Alissa has asked for months to play soccer and so my husband agreed to sign her up and be the coach. We thought she was signing up for a girls team but it seems they are still coed at 4. She was the only girl and is 1/2 the size of the boys. She was just so excited to get out and play and be like her big brother. As you can imagine 15 little boys running around with balls trying to kick down cones and other games gets a bit rough. I saw the first one coming but couldn't get on the field before she had shoved another kid and gone into her "death grip neck squeeze" on the other coach. Of course he didn't know what was going on so when my husband tried to take her he said no - I'm okay. To get her off at this point you have to pry away her fingers. Finally, he took her off and handed her to me. Getting her off the field as a straight stiff board, screaming a what sounds like "my life is in danger" scream draws a bit of attention. But she calmed down, very quickly, was doing her breathing, and talked through it. After less than 5 minutes she can go back out. The next time, she went right to her dad said she was scared, and he sent her to me. 1/2 way across the field she just couldn't hold it in anymore, she plowed through a case of water bottles and 20 soccer balls to jump in my arms. Then that scream. I'm crying because she wants to do this so bad and just can't, parents are trying to be nice and saying, "oh it is so hard being the only girl". I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone she was having a PTSD episode. But she came out of it again and went back out. Just a few minutes later the other coach thought he was being fun and told all of the kids to tackle my husband. Poor guy got creamed because he had both hands on her trying to make sure she knew he was okay and smiling, while she yelled for people to stop hurting her daddy. There were so many positive signs in all of this, but it just breaks your heart to see your child go through these things. When we left we told her how proud we were of her, for letting us know when she was scared and that she just kept trying after realizing she was safe. She didn't want to take her soccer shirt off all night and I had a hard time getting it in the dirty clothes. She IS going back out next week to play again she says:)
The psyhciatrist also recommended that she be screened by someone for sensory issues and occupational therapy. So we have done that as well. During the test I started hearing the same things about how amazing she was doing, and they couldn't have expected someone to do so well based on the reports they had read. I said, yes, she can draw that person, but it has taken over a month of working on translating what she knows is on a person to a piece of paper. (I mean she paints people, sings songs about people, dances about body parts, plays games w/ body parts, practicing using shapes to build people, etc.) I thought this was going to be just another waste of a test where they weren't seeing how hard it was for her to do this stuff. HOWEVER, this lady looked at me and said something about being concerned about how much energy she was having to put into doing x and y. Then during the test she started showing me different tests she was doing to try to figure out where the real weakness was. Really this lady was amazing. She both recognized what my daughter is trying so hard to do, yet helped us pinpoint why it was so hard to do and is going to help us create therapies to make those things easier for her. At the end of the test, I finally felt like someone had listened and then really tried to figure out Alissa. I think she will start her therapies this week. Hooray!
Oh yes, we also made it through our first "bring in a baby picture and story about why your parents gave you your name" assignment. I really thought about sending out an email to the parents asking just a few of them to send in toddler pictures to so that she wasn't the only one without a baby picture---but I didn't. At school she pointed to her "toddler" picture and said, "now I have beautiful hair like my mommy!"
I enjoyed rocking her to sleep tonight and just keeping her cozy and safe:)
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It pains me to hear what your daughter is going through. It sounds horrendous. I'm thrilled to hear that your daughter wants to go back on the soccer field. We tried this last summer with our youngest. It was a huge failure. He was crying, screaming and miserable, eventhough he chose to do soccer. We ended up not sending him again. He just wasn't ready for it.
ReplyDeleteI really hope that with all your love and attention, and yes, even the medication - your daughter will learn how to cope with every scenario.
Hang in there, you're doing a fantastic job! I mean it.
My oldest son has ADHD and his behavior or reactions to things are often misunderstood. I totally understand. I used to be an anti-medication person, but after doing some research about how ADHD works and what is going on in his head, we went ahead and tried the medicine. It has helped him and I'm glad I did it. It is frustrating to have people look at you like your a bad parent, because your child needs to do his homework on a clipboard while walking around...but oh well, we all do what's best for our kids.
ReplyDeleteWow! I cannot imagine what your daughter is going through (and you too). I feel for all of you. I think what she did at the soccer game was so brave and I think it's great she wants to go back! I'm glad you felt comfortable at the psychiatrist, hopefully she will be helpful in moving forward.
ReplyDeleteExactly- we do what's best for our kids! So well put. And as for judgmental parents, I've found they spend their time judging most times because they have their own issues and want to deflect attention from their own kids. I just try to ignore them- although screaming fits have always posed challenges. We've all been there :)
ReplyDeleteAs mothers we all need to support each other and reach out. I'm just wondering, is there a mom's support group in your town or through the therapy place? Even picking up the tiniest of hints can sometimes make a difference- I know it did for me when I was a mom. You are doing phenomenal and your daughter is so lucky to have both you and your husband :)
And don't worry about soccer, it'll come or maybe there is a sport she would love that is less physical and competitive- Gymnastics? Karate? Sometimes those sports that require more individual focus, can help ease anxiety as well. This would not always be for ADHD kids obviously, but if she isn't affected by that, maybe another sport would help provide her an outlet. Just a suggestion- hang in there!
I am glad she is making so much progress. You are awesome parents and are doing everything possible to get her the help she needs.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments - she is an amazing little girl and doesn't give up on something she wants to do. Her greatest strength is her perseverence. So I think we will have to continue to learn techniques for her to calm down when she gets scared, so that she can do soccer. This is waht the sensory and psychiatrist therapy is supposed to help us with. She is just insisting on playing. Very few kids would have gone back onto the field after getting so upset. She is so proud of that purple soccer shirt--I painted her nails purple last night to match, just to celebrate her great "trying". My husband was horrified:) She on the other hand was so excited that she had her nails painted for the first time!
ReplyDeleteWe have done ballet, swimming, and gymnastics over the past year and this summer. She loves them all, but we've taken a break on ballet and gymnastics for soccer. We'll have to find an indoor pool since our outdoor pool just closed and she LOVED swimming.
We do have a strong support mom's group here and that is helpful. However, when you are dealing with such specific issues it is hard to connect. Mom's say, "oh, every kid goes through a biting stage, or has temper tantrums." Then I realize it isn't worth the rest of the conversation to explain. Just like on the soccer field where people thought she couldn't handle being w/ the rough boys. I did explain to one mom that she can hold her own, we have just been working on not attacking the individual who pushes/kicks you, so leaving the field to calm down is a great sign. Dealing with "body memories" w/ PTSD is just difficult to explain. So between my mom, Matt, and the therapy team-we work through the more difficult issues.
I just found your blog. Your daughter is beautiful and what a wonderful journey!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you as someone who has gone through many similar issues with our son. You're right about the two steps forward, one step back. It does get better though, and I'm sure you can already see that it has gotten better despite still having issues to work through. I am so glad you have sought help early, something I wish we had done! Good for you and it will pay off over time!
Our son started soccer this fall as well and I was going to sign him up at the YMCA, but my husband heard of another under 5 league with only 6 kids to a team. Much better for him than the Y with 12 kids per team, so I understand your concern. Although our little guy still has a bit of a problem getting upset if he can't have the ball all the time or if he gets tripped or pushed, and of course crying, "I want Mommy."
Thanks for sharing this. While sports are not a trigger for my Chris, we have indeed found that there are certain environments that are more difficult than others for him to keep his cool. Just knowing that helps my husband and I prepare - as I can tell it helps you all as well.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a phenomenal job. And your daughter is making huge strides as well - what a brave and determined young lady you have there. I would say you are definitely taking steps forward in identifying what you are working with.
Coming from a non-mom, I hope I'm a mom like you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone above. You are doing a wonderful job. It's not easy, but YOU are determined too. I have heard the "my life is in danger" scream from Adam...and it always comes out in the most public places. Lee and I are constantly working trying not to show the sheer panic in our eyes as we carry the stiff as a board child away. But how do you smile when you think your ear drum is bleeding out? Bravos go out to you and your family for the support and love your showing and giving to your little girl. It sounds to me as though you are doing everything she needs. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI hope I become a mom like you too. :-) What a brave little girl Alissa is. What heart.
ReplyDelete